A couple of months back during a spontaneous worship session I wrote the words below.
Through it all, the pain and hurt/
When I am low and covered in dirt/
I will sing your praise/
For I know you are with me/
With me even when I can’t feel you/
With me even when I can’t see you/
Even when death seems close/
When thoughts of suicide fill my mind/
I will still serve you, though I plod/
For I know you are with you through it all.
Life hasn’t always been a smooth journey, counter to what many have thought about me. And truth is I have never been strong enough to go through it all. There are moments that I have wanted God to take my life (away) because nothing seemed to make sense—my life, relationship, purpose—as I stated in the note below that I wrote sometime back.
“If God gave you a chance to die will you take it? If He said you won’t go to hell or a heaven and that you will just disappear like you never existed will you choose that option now? Sometimes suicide seems like the best option, but then there is the fear, the pain, the uncertainty; so we are forced to live on this planet with the pain we go through hoping and praying for a solution. We’re forced to live with the memories, the hurts, the failures and all; but no one wants this, we weren’t born to carry this burden: the burden of hurt, loss and pain. We have no second options, no one knows why. But why do we yearn to continue living? Why have some jumped over cliffs or taken the pill that slowly killed them in their sleep? What keeps some of us going whiles many around us are taking their lives? Are we crazy, is it that we feel we are more hopeful? What gives us hope? God? How does God give us hope? Is it because of a vision or dream [we received] which seems like nothing but a failure? A dream which is nothing but a thought and plan on paper that can’t seem to gain traction? Why is it so easy to be evil, to start an evil venture, to lead the world to the devil and yet when a man decides to be for God he remains stuck in this place? Why? I don’t know where to go from here. I believe in God, and I believe in His plans, but for now, I just feel like tuning out and being alone, I don’t care about what happens to everyone else. For long I have carried burdens, which weren’t mine, I have done all I could in my power to do God’s will but now here I am, all that I want is being taken away from me and the things that I want, I can’t seem to understand how I am going to have them. Here I am…alone in my kitchen typing this; I yearn for the married life, yes to see my business souring but all I see around is a dark cloud and arrows flying from all corners: why me? Why do I have to go through this? People start businesses and gain traction; they find a woman who loves them back and are able to settle down, but only me, I have all this to deal with—plus this sickness called loneliness. How many more years before failure totally leaves me alone? How long before I can look behind me and know that failure is nothing but eternity away? How many more falls and moments of stagnation? What do I have to do Lord, I hate to say I have given up but now I am left with nothing more to say. If my God can’t help me succeed then what more can I do again?”
In hindsight and as I type this article, I realize how blinded and clouded my mind was as I wrote the above note. I was fighting for a relationship that wasn’t helping me fulfill my purpose and I had just tried to partner with certain people for my business and they had given up on me. I was in that very dark place I was because of the decisions I had made; all I needed was direction—the light to guide me out of the claustrophobic tunnel I was in.
If we will all be honest with one another, many have been and still are in dark places like this: relationship falling apart, business in a downward spiral and other issues. /The question is, will we blame God for the detours we took and trials that come our way, or will we humbly come to Him for a way out of the tunnel?
He says in His Word that we should call upon Him and He will answer (See Jeremiah 33:3). This is not because we are “special” or sinless, but because He is God. In conclusion, life’s journey may be rough, it may be hard, it may be confusing, but we have a God who is willing to walk with us should we allow Him.
Thanks for reading
PS: I recommend you read my previous post after this: running with the wolves.